The Tale of Rightwingia

An unpublished excerpt from Gulliver’s diary describing his travel in the land of the right wing minded people – Rightwingia.

A Traveller Tells a Tale Which Seems Just Right Wing

“The right wing minded man does everything using his right side and moving from his right side to the left. At dawn, he opens first his right eye, yawns with the right half of his mouth, which he covers with his right hand, because, even though he is still sleepy, he remains faithful to his right-wing upbringing. Then he stretches his right arm and right leg and steps on the floor to the right, with his right foot. He stands up and walks with his right shoulder pointing forward. He opens the door from the right to the left using his right hand (all doors in Rightwingia are opened from the right to the left). He enters the bathroom and stands with his right profile facing the mirror. He takes the toothbrush with his right hand and brushes the right half of his teeth, letting the left half to stink, since the left, whatever it might be must always stink, in order to be easily recognised. For the same reason the right-wing-minded do not cut the nails on their non-right limbs and cut only the hair on the right half of their head, only which of course, they comb and slick always to the right.
When getting on a bus or another vehicle, the right-wing-minded one always does it from the rightmost door. Luckily, those who get off, also do it from the rightmost door, thanks to that, undesired jams are avoided. Everything in Rightwingia seems to be perfectly right-organised. In the bus he sits on the first vacant right seat and if there is no such one, he holds with his right hand onto some handle to the right of him.

 

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When you meet a right wing minded person on the street and he asks how to get somewhere, you must always explain using only the direction “right” and the phrase “turn right”. You can specify later how many degrees this right turn should take.
If you want to be liked by a right-wing-minded person you must always stand on his right side and whisper right wing thoughts into his right ear.
The right wing thinking person always seeks his better (righter) half on the right of himself, so that they can make together one complete right.
When a right wing minded person is angry he always hits your left side from the right. The most distinctive trait of the right-wing-minded man is the undeveloped left part of his body and the out of proportion, excessively developed left part of his skull, because, as we know, the entire right part of our body is controlled by the left part of our brain. Because they do everything on their right side only the left hemisphere is developed and the right hemisphere becomes stunted, which is one of the main paradoxes of their right orientation.
To be honest with you, when I saw for the first time a genuine right-wing-minded person for I moment I was scared because I thought I have met a monster, but now, after my brief visit in Rightwingia I know that they are not scary, but simply deluded.”

 

Simon Vlahov writing for the Apollo Institute of Reason AIR Review©

 

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